I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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