Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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