i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
