Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
