Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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