Swine flu. Run for my life!
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
