Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
