just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
