A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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