is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
