why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
