Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
