I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
