he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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