Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
