Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
