I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
