I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
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He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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