Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
