I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
