dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
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I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
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Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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