On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
