i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
