we have officially lost it.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
