why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
