Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
