respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
