What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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