I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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