i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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