My nipple is on Facebook.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
