I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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