and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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