I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
