If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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