So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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