im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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