I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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