Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
