My Higher Power is John Stamos
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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