So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
