im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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