why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize