i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
