I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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