I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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