I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
