Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
