You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
