I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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