dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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