how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
