Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There's always time for handjobs
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
