Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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