I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
