Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
