nut hugger
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
