I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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