sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
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I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
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The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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