I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
