I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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